Here and now

  I have been thinking about my adoption, and I think the main cause for the current of pain and anger which has risen in me is due to the 'uncertainty' of being adopted. Sure, it is all done with, people believe that if you are adopted, and that the adoption was a good one and if you got two loving parents, it is all okay. But that's not true. Adoption doesn't end at the act of handing a baby over to biological strangers and pretending it is a 'happily ever after'. Adoption is not a theory, or an event, it is a process. It didn't happen to me, it is happening to me. I don't say I was adopted, I say I am adopted. It is here and now. We are living through the process of adoption every single day. The fear, the uncertainty, the gratitude, the pain, the feeling of being 'lost', the longing for what can never be ours but which should have been, the conflict, etc. it is all happening now. 


  Does that even make sense? It's all happening right now. Damn I feel so suicidal, trapped inside my own head sometimes.