I decided early in life I wanted to start my own business. The appeal of becoming a self-made person drew me in. I've always been an independent kid, the adoption issue just added to my frantic efforts to become as self-sufficient as possible. I don't want to rely on anyone, period. I've been told that the only person who you really have to work at being accepted by is yourself. It sounded like a whole load of tosh at the time but now I think about it, and I realise that my whole life I've been pining for someone who is either indifferent or non-existent. Nothing I do is ever enough to bring people back, nothing I do will ever be enough to make me feel as if I deserve to be here.
At home too, I feel so insufficient. Nothing I do is ever 'right', call it teenage angst, but I never feel as if I am ever really up to the mark. Nothing I do is ever enough, nothing I am is ever enough. There is always something I'm lacking. There is just no pleasing people. I don't expect to be told every three seconds that I am loved and I am perfect the way I am, but hello, I need a bit of love too man. Love isn't just providing food, clothing, shelter, for god's sake, hold me sometimes! I need to be held tightly and told that everything will turn out alright. I'm just supposed to be as everyone wants me to, never supposed to feel sad about anything, never get angry, never miss my natural parents, never even think of them, never no nothing, I'm just supposed to let go, be happy, pretend nothing is wrong, just suck it up and 'move on'. No one ever pats me on the back or gives me a kind word, or even gives me a goddamn acknowledgement for surviving a while decently enough without the medication, but the moment I slip up a bit - all hell breaks loose. Instead of just holding me and validating me, all I get is 'Just go take your medication, I have enough to deal with without this too.' Well, eff off. I've stopped feeling ashamed for these thoughts long back, I don't care because the way I see it, I have every right to feel the way I do. I wish I could feel strong enough standing by myself.
I can't live in the present, I'm living in the future because it gives me hope that at least I have a vision, a dream or whatever you'd like to call it - when my business is set - up and rolling, when I reach the very pinnacle of success, I'll leave the whole damn world burning in my trail. They'll see it then. It'll be my way of showing Life the finger.
