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Sunday 23 December 2012

Curtain call


I have decided to end this blog.

I've had enough. There's no point writing, all I get are ignorant bits of advice from deluded do-gooders. For fuck's sake just get off my back. You, have no fucking idea what it is to me, YOU do not have to wonder every damn day, every damn night, every damn year, year in year out. It's a curse, to just wonder and never know. I will never 'get over it', don't you fucking tell me what I supposedly feel, you pathetic, unenlightened scrabble of plebeians. Don't you dare tell me how I'm supposed to feel and what I'm supposed to do.

How's this  - this is my life. I do not belong to your world. I do not belong to this world, with its moronic laws and social, crappy rigidity, I am my own. I deserve better than this. I will do any fucking thing I want, you're no one to tell me what I must do. You lot are a sad hemmed-in bunch of people, you can do whatever the hell you want, count me out. I am better than you and above you in every fucking aspect.

So long.

Saturday 8 December 2012

Dawn of maturity


I am completely and utterly, senselessly and uninhibitedly in love. In love with the universe. Moments like these melt away the illusion of separateness. And, I live for those moments. We all do.

For the first time, after a long time, I feel as if I am able to walk forward in spite of everything in me that is holding me back. Earlier, I used to walk forward, but that I managed in the denial of the things within me that weigh me down. Now, for the first time, I see myself managing to work with both, what is driving me forward, and what is stubbornly dragging me backward.

For the first time, I see that the people around me are more similar to me than different. That feels good. I see new people, who are like me, who I can connect with. And, that feels good. I am not alone. My thoughts and frustrations are shared by others.

The only regret I have is, this realisation may have come too late. I have held back from trusting people due to my own deep insecurities. And I regret it because, life is too short to let good people slip by. I fear, it may be too late to revive some friendships, for I have judged too harshly, thought too little, spoken too hastily, spoken too harshly, spoken too critically, dismissed too vehemently, cared deeply but shown it too little, closed myself too tightly. I wasn't fair and I haven't given people the chance which I would like others to give me if and when the time comes. I hope the damage isn't already done.

Monday 3 December 2012

Que será, será.


  Be careful what you wish for, it may come true.

  I asked for light, here it is. I asked for a chance to prove myself, here it is. I asked to be tested by fire, so I could figure out my own naked value. Here it is.

  I am grateful that I have this chance to prove myself. Though I am beginning to doubt my own value, I appreciate this opportunity because deserving people don't even get this one chance. It is for my own peace of mind. I am fairly sure I have what it takes to devote myself to an idea, to get my pants pulled down by analytical minds, to stick to my guns, to keep at my idea, to make it happen. 

  I know I don't like the feeling of being only lucky. Sure, luck is important, but I don't want to live the kind of privileged lifestyle I am living solely due to my astounding good fortune. How do I put it, I want to earn it. I want to know that I am worth this, and I deserve it. Not just that I was earth-shatteringly lucky. Makes sense?

  So far, it has been all uphill, as it would be. In Einstein's words, I have no special talent, no extraordinary intellect, I am only passionately curious. Will it be enough? It's not entirely practical, and only time will tell. I am happy now, I had asked myself in my suicidal moments - what could possibly be waiting on the other side of this soulless misery that would justify holding on in this time of utter bleakness. I have that answer now, and it is more than I could have asked for. 

  The only question now is, am I worthy enough to meet this challenge?

Well, que será, será. That is; what will be, will be.