My story begins back in the summer of '94. In April, at the cusp pf a full blown Indian summer. In April it's still mild, the December's cold has melted away by then leaving us a a mild pleasant atmosphere. Anyway, coming back to my story, I was born in Mumbai in early April. (Dates not mentioned for privacy)
I was born to a woman whose face I will probably never know in this lifetime. Sometimes I stare at my face in the mirror and squint, so that my features appear a little blurred, I try to imagine a woman's face in mine.
Barely 24 hours old, I was left on the steps of a government run nursery. I can't imagine what she must have felt. I truly hope when we grow up, we build a world where no mother has to abandon her own child and security is guaranteed to every human being regardless of the circumstances of his or her birth.
Three days later (now I don't know what happened in these three days, I don't know who took care of me, but somehow I survived), three days later I was found by the police and a police case was filed against the woman who had given birth to me. No one knew the lady, it is almost as if she never existed. She had disappeared without a trace. The police got me admitted to a general hospital where I was taken care of and my nutritional needs were met. Finally, 13 days after my birth I was shifted to the adoption home.
And, exactly 3 months and 25 days after my birth I was adopted into a loving family. Phew!
In part - II I will skip directly to my teen years and how all this came back to me, and how I am now moving back into my past in order to move forward with my life. Stay with me.
As my wife and I are in the process of adopting, I was researching online and I stumbled upon your site.
ReplyDeleteYou write extremely well. You are articulate and your thought process is mature & intellectual in nature. Congratulations!
You ask many questions - and I'm barely equipped to answer them. Maybe I can share only thoughts of being a prospective adoptive parent. But your search is beyond that.
Many a times, there are no answers. I ask why I lost my mother when I needed her the most. And when her own mother, who was bedridden, could have died instead. I'll never know why and it still hurts to think amma isn't there. You're right positive thinking is an escape mechanism. When I miss amma the most I like to sit and cry. At other times I want to think positive and cherish the memories and the good times we shared.
Its important not to become a 'dark' person by getting into a rut of 'negative' thinking. Surely your life has a lot of good things going for you. When you take stock, you need to count your blessings too. Dwelling on issues for which there are no answers will lead you nowhere.
All the best, PB
Hi, thank you for commenting and hearing out my thoughts. I'm glad to know your wife and you have chosen adoption, I won't lie and say it is all easy, but I am sure it will bring you a lot of joy. When I see the photos of my parents holding me on the first day they brought me home, it's a great feeling! :-) You can really tell how much they wanted me.
DeleteYes, I think I'm in the process of realising that there probably aren't any answers for some things, it's an odd feeling. It's a feeling that you know you are searching for something, but you don't know what it is exactly that you're looking for!
I'm sorry to hear about your mother. My mom lost her mother when she was 19, I feel ashamed to be feeling sorry for myself about losing my birth mother when I already have an amazing mother, it's complicated, isn't it? I don't know, but positive thinking feels like you're only fooling yourself? I don't know, I don't understand it.
Thanks for your advice, I'll try not to dwell too much on these things.
All the best, do keep commenting, right now I have me board exams so I can't post. But I'll be back at the end of march for sure. :-)
hey, best wishes for your success at the board exams. May it lead to all things wonderful. Don't forget to celebrate after the exams are over! PB
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