My story - part II

  My childhood passed innocently enough, no disturbing thoughts troubled me at night, I asked no awkward questions to my parents (Why did I not grow in mom's tummy?). I think my parent's thought we had all safely cruised over whatever 'adoption angst' they had been warned about. Not really.

  The real horror started in my teens, about five years ago. I kept it all within me ofcourse, but my sleepless nights wondering about the 'other mother' started affecting me deeply. Then in tenth grade, we had a chapter on genetics. I think this was the turning point, I only slid lower after this point. I hadn't thought of my adoption as an actual experience of mine - in my mind, it was just an irrelevant fact, a theory. I couldn't (and till date, still cannot) imagine myself as the protagonist of this story. I still think of my adoption in the third person (Will 'she' ever find her birth mother? etc.) That slowly started changing though, I never became accustomed to the shock of realising that that girl is in fact, me. It still jolts me every time I mentally correct myself (Will 'she' ever - no, will 'I' ever find my birth mother?)

  You know, for adoptees, it isn't really about finding someone who 'looks like us', out on the street there may be 50 to 60 people who have the same shade of eye colour as we do, or the same hair texture. It goes a little deeper than that. It's about seeing a definite 'proof', a validation of our own existence. For us, our birth is only a theory which we accept using our common sense which tells us - 'this is the way it is'. Secretly, deep inside we all believe we are just a file out of a drawer, or that we simply fell from the sky and landed up in this (warm and loving) family with absolutely no past, no personal history whatsoever. It feels like I am simply 'floating through life', never really rooted anywhere. Maybe I am afraid to be rooted anywhere? I don't know.

  I turned eighteen recently. In India it is the legal age where one can search for one's biological parents. It isn't so easy folks. The legal aspect is only one small component of what is holding me back. My family, my parent's hesitance, my own doubts and fears for myself, for my family, for my birth mother (Will she be mad at me for finding her? What if she really didn't give a shit about me? etc). 

  It's a curious feeling - knowing that the time is right, having the resources, being young and able to adapt, but yet holding back due to some un-describable reason. It's crazy - this is what I want, but I can't proceed. How can I explain that to anyone? How can I even explain that to myself?

  Almost everyone who has a hold over me (my parents, my counsellor) have advised me to 'wait'. They want me to wait till I'm mature enough to handle the emotional recoil of the process of searching, and subsequently the result of the search. My question to you is - Why wait? Who are we waiting for?? I am here, my birth mother is presumably here as well, who then, are we waiting for? If I don't find my birth mother today, it will hurt the same as if I don't find her tomorrow. The time delay will help nobody. In fact, it will only make it worse for me. What do you think? I know and accept that it will not be a cakewalk, but I feel you will agree when I say that every adoptee deserves a chance to attempt searching for his/her birth parents because we deserve at least one attempt to know how things would have worked out if this had never happened.

  Has anyone succeeded in the search for one's birth parents in a closed adoption in India? Please do share your story, I would really like to hear about it.