It's been around six months since I began my painful journey to the heart of my adoption issues - the therapy, talking to social workers, reading about adoption, trying to initiate my search for my biological mother (in vain). You know what really gets to me about this? It's the fact that half a year later, I am still stuck in the exact same spot!! I haven't reached anywhere new, I haven't gained any new insight into myself as such. What I mean is, mentally I am in the same place - denial/anger/self-pity and otherwise too, I haven't really managed to find any information at all. I don't know what's holding me back.
I'm feeling distinctly fatigued now, I was afraid this would happen. I hoped that this quest would be a genuine attempt to understand myself, something mature and adult-like. Instead I feel like a four-year-old who has been denied her favourite toy. I feel like throwing a tantrum (and I do too), I cry till I'm exhausted until I feel a little relief and then *wham*, I'm back to normal - for a few hours at least. That's what it has come to! I'm so ashamed of myself! I wonder - Am I doing all this just to prove a point? Is this really what I want? Hell! Ofcourse not! Why on earth would I willingly search for someone who doesn't care about me?? Maybe I should get this masochistic streak checked out by a professional...I seem to be purposefully and meticulously marching towards self-defeat.
On a serious note, I don't know whether this will really make me a happier, more complete and well-adjusted individual. It's a case of me lunging blindly after what I don't have under the delusion that - somehow what I lack is what I need.
I don't know what it is I am looking for - through this experience, or otherwise.
Your thoughts?
