Apparently I just won a lottery

 A few days ago I had a conversation with a friend, and the topic turned to adoption, specifically my adoption. I asked him what he thought about it. He's a rational person, he has an unique ability to emotionally distance himself from an issue and view it with the air of detached interest.

The conversation went somewhat like this -

Me : What do you think?

Him: I think we're going to lose hands down-

Me: -not the match!! I mean about this thing...(he laughs)..very funny...

(the next two minutes continues in somewhat this manner, till...)

Him: You've won a lottery - (Me: -what?!) no wait just listen - think of it this way, okay. You, out of all those kids out there, by some crazy, humongous twist of fate were adopted by your parents

Me: If this is leading towards a general conclusion that I should be 'satisfied' with my life and be 'grateful' then just shut-

Him: -Listen, you went to XYZ School (name hidden for privacy), it's the best. You wanted to learn spanish - voila - you're learning spanish, you wanted to learn the piano - voila- you're going to start with piano too, you're living in the city of dreams for god's sake, you don't have to fight just to make ends meet, you're doing well. You have some real great friends...like me! (I laugh)...think of it like this, you have come so far, so far..and you have gotten some real great opportunities, think about it, just for one second alright, 18 years ago when you were an abandoned baby (I wince at the word 'abandoned'), they didn't think you'd make it this far. But now? Now, you have a chance. (I'm dead silent)

(that line of his just hit me like a rock)

Me: I didn't - I never thought of...(I'm reeling)

Him: Don't throw this away.

Me: I can't stop being selfish...you'd think I'd feel happy about this, but I don't, I just feel worse. It's all just luck for god's sake!

Him: Just remember one thing, whatever you do, do it for yourself. You don't have to be grateful, look I'm sorry I said that I didn't know it upset you so much, but you have to make the most of where you are in life right now, luck or no luck. And don't make any decisions when you are feeling emotional alright because it messes things up a lot. Just take all the emotion away from this stuff and then think what you're going to do next. It's a video game, you got the bullets, just plan your next move properly, shoot the bad guys, don't do anything stupid and you're a winner!

Me: (laughs) I'm glad I told you about this.

Him: Why were you so hesitant that time?

Me: I didn't know how you would react.

Him: There's a lot of stigma attached to to this, in our country especially...

Him: Listen, don't talk to people who make you feel unworthy. Don't take what everyone says to you at face value.

Me:..

Him: Think for yourself. Do you have anyone to talk to?

Me: I try to...yes, I told my friend from college.

Him: That's good. Don't shut people out. And just chuck all this now it's late, you'll figure it out.

 (long pause)

Him: I'm good at this, huh? (laughs)

Me: Yeah...maybe you should become a counsellor instead!


(we both laugh)

(and so forth)

But some of his comments really made me stop and think. I don't know why I can't think in such a clear, rational manner when it's most needed.