Just the sky and I tonight

 
   I've become aware of a gradual loneliness seeping into me through the cracks in my defence. Zen Buddhism teaches its followers that the highest attainment in life is only self-awareness. Though somehow, at the moment, the knowledge that I feel aching and soul-destroying aloneness doesn't mitigate the heaviness inside my chest. They say the more different one is, the more isolated one is. Now, more than ever, I am increasingly aware of how different I am. The mean classmates in Spanish class, my family, friends that come and go, I am in stark contrast to them. Coffee black on egg white. I think this time, I shall handle this emotion differently. To quote Einstein, "One cannot get out of a problem by using the same manner of thinking that got one into it in the first place." Generally I tend to frantically pull away from my loved ones and friends to isolate myself first before they abandon me to my own. This time, I'll keep them near. But at an arm's length. The fact is, we are different people and I can't expect to always be in their thoughts and a part of their actions. And vice-versa. In a way, this decision is devastating in its cruel finality, though undeniably liberating in its promise.

Into the abyss of the universe - whatever else really matters?