I seem to have more holes in me than a bit of cheese

  I've been in this place for what seems like eternity, you'd think I'd know my way around pretty well by now. Apparently not. I've managed to lose my way. Again. 

  The confusion really is in the fact that I can't understand myself any more. I don't know what I want. I want friendship, but I'm afraid of trusting. I want love, but I'm afraid of losing. I want happiness, but I'm afraid of letting go. I want peace, but my anger defines me. I want to fit in, but I know my eccentricities inspire me. My mood swings are worsening, it's harder on me when I'm at my saddest because I know the peace of being happy when I was at my happiest. Which usually was just a few hours ago. I'm lost in myself most of the time. I oscillate between wanting to care deeply about someone and being afraid of rejection. I am still so bitter and angry inside. And, so guilty and ashamed of myself for being so. I experience periods of dissociation, blank spaces of pure awareness. Some may call it meditation, but it's too boring a word. It's more like experiencing the vibrations of the universe reverberate within me. I'm not exaggerating, I've come to realise that the awareness that you are made up of the same matter, physically speaking, as the stars and planets, instills withing you a deep sense of happiness. If you're made up of the same stuff as stars, then you are no less brilliant than the stars, planets, and the cosmos itself. As Prof. Brian Cox put it, "We are merely cosmos made alive." And that thought manages to comfort me when I linger excessively on my 'incompleteness' as an adoptee walking the earth with no history, no roots, no story, no nothing. The brief sense of completeness doesn't last though, that's the tragedy of it. It's as fleeting as ever, its maddening brevity leaves me thirsting for more. Eventually I dip back down into the most silent, still places of my mind. Where the fine line between rational and irrational is scarily blurred. 

  Medicines have kept me sane and on track. However, for the last few days I have stopped taking them, I don't wish to continue like this, living a lie. I feel like a coward. I have decided I'm strong enough to last it out on my own, I am enough.