It's been very nearly a year since I posted my first entry on this blog. Time about, I think, for a bit of soul searching. I'm happy to report the adoption issue has gone from burning me in flames of deep agony and guilt to have finally been melted into the candle wick of my personality. To say it hurts no more would be an outright lie. It throbs away still, in the deepest recesses of my heart and soul. How can something so damn straight forward be so difficult to process? I still don't think of it as having happened to me. Still think of it in the third person.
However, the deep depression is slowly receeding and the darkest of my sorrow is now behind me. There is rage and shame, still. That may take a while to go, I suppose. The sadness lingers, but thank heavens, it's manageable now.
Life has changed a lot since I started off on this blog. Many positive and happy things have happened. Many positive and happy people have entered my life. College is off to a great start. I'm trying not to lock myself away within myself any more, I'm trying to participate a bit more. Joined up as a volunteer for a college event. I think it's just what I needed. It's weird how once you stop looking for happiness, it simply presents itself to you, waiting to embrace you around every corner. I met a few good people here - our coordinator (by far the most gentle and approachable senior I've had the good fortune to meet so far), my closest friend (the rock of stability in my life, and the driving force of all things positive - my deepest gratitude to him), a few new friends (thankyou guys), my piano teacher (a gentle soul) and ofcourse, a favourite professor (she's beautiful).
The therapy is on as usual, so are the meds. I owe it to them that I am alive and well today. In the worst of the depression, as you are aware, I contemplated suicide. I'm happy and grateful to a certain good soul at the other end of a phone helpline who got me through that period in my life. Thankyou,
Yes ofcourse bad days crop up all the time. Thankfully, I'm more mature now, I can deal with it. I listen to a lot of Eminem now because he understands the anger and pain. I listen to a lot of Enya now too, because she reminds me that there is more to life than sadness and rage. Things are still rocky in my head but I think I'm doing okay.
Last but not the least thankyou to you, my readers who have been with me throughout. I'll keep updating now and then. I've decided to write positively about my adoption in the coming posts. (Well, at least I'll try!)
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