Another mothers' day gone by

  The two days in the year I dread the most are my birthday and mothers' day. They both are meant to be 'happy' days, but they both remind me of my biological mother. Both days, therefore, are spent in pretending to be happy, trying to keep up with everyone's enthusiasm and in trying hard to appear merry and carefree. If only.

  It's hard for my parents to understand where I'm coming from, with these periods of depression. My mother lost her mother when she was only 19, and my father lost his father when he was approximately the same age. And, both of them are doing well today. They probably wonder why I am acting this way. They can't fathom how a child with two loving adults to call mom and dad could possibly feel anything lacking in his/her life. And, honestly, after knowing their story I feel like an idiot. I have it much better than they did in their time. Really, what are you complaining about?

  Nothing is more awkward than trying to explain to my parents why, then, I'm feeling this way. I sound as if I'm trying to justify this slump I'm going through currently, but I'm not! And though they give me a patient hearing, caring and loving as always, I can't help feeling weak in my betrayal to them. And...God, this is hard.

Apparently I just won a lottery

 A few days ago I had a conversation with a friend, and the topic turned to adoption, specifically my adoption. I asked him what he thought about it. He's a rational person, he has an unique ability to emotionally distance himself from an issue and view it with the air of detached interest.

The conversation went somewhat like this -

Me : What do you think?

Him: I think we're going to lose hands down-

Me: -not the match!! I mean about this thing...(he laughs)..very funny...

(the next two minutes continues in somewhat this manner, till...)

Him: You've won a lottery - (Me: -what?!) no wait just listen - think of it this way, okay. You, out of all those kids out there, by some crazy, humongous twist of fate were adopted by your parents

Me: If this is leading towards a general conclusion that I should be 'satisfied' with my life and be 'grateful' then just shut-

Him: -Listen, you went to XYZ School (name hidden for privacy), it's the best. You wanted to learn spanish - voila - you're learning spanish, you wanted to learn the piano - voila- you're going to start with piano too, you're living in the city of dreams for god's sake, you don't have to fight just to make ends meet, you're doing well. You have some real great friends...like me! (I laugh)...think of it like this, you have come so far, so far..and you have gotten some real great opportunities, think about it, just for one second alright, 18 years ago when you were an abandoned baby (I wince at the word 'abandoned'), they didn't think you'd make it this far. But now? Now, you have a chance. (I'm dead silent)

(that line of his just hit me like a rock)

Me: I didn't - I never thought of...(I'm reeling)

Him: Don't throw this away.

Me: I can't stop being selfish...you'd think I'd feel happy about this, but I don't, I just feel worse. It's all just luck for god's sake!

Him: Just remember one thing, whatever you do, do it for yourself. You don't have to be grateful, look I'm sorry I said that I didn't know it upset you so much, but you have to make the most of where you are in life right now, luck or no luck. And don't make any decisions when you are feeling emotional alright because it messes things up a lot. Just take all the emotion away from this stuff and then think what you're going to do next. It's a video game, you got the bullets, just plan your next move properly, shoot the bad guys, don't do anything stupid and you're a winner!

Me: (laughs) I'm glad I told you about this.

Him: Why were you so hesitant that time?

Me: I didn't know how you would react.

Him: There's a lot of stigma attached to to this, in our country especially...

Him: Listen, don't talk to people who make you feel unworthy. Don't take what everyone says to you at face value.

Me:..

Him: Think for yourself. Do you have anyone to talk to?

Me: I try to...yes, I told my friend from college.

Him: That's good. Don't shut people out. And just chuck all this now it's late, you'll figure it out.

 (long pause)

Him: I'm good at this, huh? (laughs)

Me: Yeah...maybe you should become a counsellor instead!


(we both laugh)

(and so forth)

But some of his comments really made me stop and think. I don't know why I can't think in such a clear, rational manner when it's most needed.

Baby Rage

  
  I have tried to understand what exactly it is about my being adopted that rankles so bitterly. Adoptees out there would know, the feeling is hard to describe. It's like trying  to explain why getting your socks wet is so annoying. Socks apart, I read an interesting theory in The Primal Wound - Understanding the Adopted Child Dr. Nancy Verrier (I am deeply grateful to her, her books have been of immense comfort to me when I had no one else, and the the enlightenment I received lit up those times.)

  The concept of 'baby rage'

  She says, inside each adoptee, there is an infant self. This 'baby self' has no reason, and it is responsible for the immense rage some of us tend to feel about our adoption. (I'm not suggesting that all adoptees are an angry lot, but some of us are a little annoyed, no doubt) The key is to placate this baby self by reassuring and affirming it but at the same time firmly taking control of our own life. She explained that when we act out of this rage - distancing ourselves from loved ones, taking out the anger on them etc, it is actually the 'baby self' in control.
  This baby is actually a psychological manifestation of the babies we were at the time of our abandonment. That sad, angry and helpless baby, in a way, lives on in our psyches.

  It is a scary thought to have an angry baby in control, at the same time, it is so difficult to get past the rage that consumes me when I think of being abandoned by my birth mother. The unfairness of it stings. I admit I experience a lot of self-pity. It is a tough situation to be in.

  What is your take on the baby rage issue? Does it make sense? It makes sense to me, albeit in an annoying academic fashion. It reduces very real emotions to abstract theories and concepts, I'm not sure I like that. That being said, I have nothing but immense respect for Dr. Nancy Verrier.

Custard, anyone?

  
  If you'd imagine being dunked in a swimming pool sized vat of sick, thick, yellow custard and trying to get out of it, it would accurately describe what I feel right now. No matter how much you flail your arms or try to swim,  as you may already know. custard is too damn thick to allow any movement - it'd weigh you down like a ton of (yellow) lead. Even if you do manage to stay afloat and swim, you can't get far. Not with all that stuff of toothpaste-ish consistency all over you making you feel sluggish and lazy. In such a scenario, I imagine the only thing you can do is...get used to the smell of custard.

 ...Does anyone have any idea why I am talking about custard?

  The thing is, I'm running out of ideas about where I want to reach with this adoption angst, the search, the general anger towards everyone who I feel is holding me back - though I fully realise that that person is probably only me. It's one thing to be strong and firm in the face of nothing working out, it's quite another to be foolishly optimistic about it working out in the first place. I don't know what I hoped to achieve by all this crusading. Apart from hurting everyone around - people I care for, my parents and close friends, I haven't achieved anything. So, what next? I would like to take this ahead, use it for something. A friend suggested I write a book about my struggle (what kind of end would this book have? I can't fake a happy ending with a blissful reunion if that didn't actually happen), maybe I could set up an organisation to help others like me search for their biological parents, I could become a singer/artist/musician/writer and indulge in a bit of Freudian sublimation...?


Note :
*No offence intended to anyone who has a fondness for custard.
*No custard was wasted in the making of this blog post.

Fatigue

 It's been around six months since I began my painful journey to the heart of my adoption issues - the therapy, talking to social workers, reading about adoption, trying to initiate my search for my biological mother (in vain). You know what really gets to me about this? It's the fact that half a year later, I am still stuck in the exact same spot!! I haven't reached anywhere new, I haven't gained any new insight into myself as such. What I mean is, mentally I am in the same place - denial/anger/self-pity and otherwise too, I haven't really managed to find any information at all. I don't know what's holding me back.

  I'm feeling distinctly fatigued now, I was afraid this would happen. I hoped that this quest would be a genuine attempt to understand myself, something mature and adult-like. Instead I feel like a four-year-old who has been denied her favourite toy. I feel like throwing a tantrum (and I do too), I cry till I'm exhausted until I feel a little relief and then *wham*, I'm back to normal - for a few hours at least. That's what it has come to! I'm so ashamed of myself! I wonder - Am I doing all this just to prove a point? Is this really what I want? Hell! Ofcourse not! Why on earth would I willingly search for someone who doesn't care about me?? Maybe I should get this masochistic streak checked out by a professional...I seem to be purposefully and meticulously marching towards self-defeat.

  On a serious note, I don't know whether this will really make me a happier, more complete and well-adjusted individual. It's a case of me lunging blindly after what I don't have under the delusion that - somehow what I lack is what I need.

I don't know what it is I am looking for - through this experience, or otherwise.

Your thoughts?